1 00:00:00,801 --> 00:00:02,334 ♪♪ 2 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,136 Remind me if I ever get married again 3 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,604 to actually buy the photos 4 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,740 instead of just keeping the photographer's samples. 5 00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,943 [THUDDING, SHATTERING] 6 00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:12,344 God. What are they up to now? 7 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,345 Stan and Jeff? 8 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,680 Not 100% sure, but I think 9 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,816 they're planning a surprise for me. 10 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,284 Because whenever I come around, 11 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:21,085 they stop talking and leave the room. 12 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,087 Babe! We're going on a bear hunt! 13 00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,758 Oh, God. It's one of the ones where they're friends. 14 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,559 Jeff and I are playing "Davy Crockett," 15 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,362 and murdering bears is a central part of that. 16 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,964 That and the fashion, obviously. 17 00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:33,899 I'm Davy, he's Crockett. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,035 How 'bout that, Hayley? 19 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,839 Two city gals like us, married to real frontiersmen. 20 00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,440 What are you talking about? 21 00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:43,842 Those two have been insufferable 22 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,311 ever since they watched that "Mr. Rogers" episode 23 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,846 about "imagination." 24 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,113 Mm-mm. 25 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:52,717 You know that Fred Rogers can get down. 26 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:56,120 He could take his shoes off and keep going. 27 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,255 Geez, Mom. 28 00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,859 Fine! Who's at the top of your PBS bang list? 29 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,261 I bet you're a "Sesame Street" girl. 30 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:06,198 Cookie Monster... so obvious. 31 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,468 That guy in the trash can... he's pretty hot. 32 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:10,935 Oh, I know. 33 00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:14,339 You want Bert and Ernie... two for one. 34 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:16,274 That's good value, Hayley. 35 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:17,810 Geez, Mom. 36 00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:18,877 Relax. 37 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,879 Someday, you'll be having the same conversation 38 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,414 with your daughter. 39 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,417 [PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS] 40 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,186 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 41 00:01:28,233 --> 00:01:31,913 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 42 00:01:31,948 --> 00:01:34,559 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 43 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,998 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 44 00:01:41,325 --> 00:01:44,102 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 45 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,971 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 46 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:48,040 Aah! 47 00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:52,577 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 48 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,979 ♪♪ 49 00:01:54,981 --> 00:01:57,582 You'd probably want to get with The Count. 50 00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,317 You love guys with accents. 51 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,721 You get all shy whenever we go into that cellphone store. 52 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,857 - [DOOR OPENS] - [COUGHS] 53 00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,991 Did you get sprayed by a skunk? 54 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,727 [LAUGHING] Yeah, but I got to tickle it 55 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,863 for five whole seconds first. 56 00:02:10,865 --> 00:02:13,098 Well, at least you told the truth. 57 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,166 Which means... 58 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,267 [SIGHS] 59 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,601 I owe you a Matchbox car. 60 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:17,802 I like Hot Wheels! 61 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,805 How many times do I have to tell you?! 62 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,474 - [DOOR SLAMS] - I'm losing my mind. 63 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,076 Well, husbands are a lot of work. 64 00:02:24,078 --> 00:02:25,810 It doesn't seem to affect you. 65 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,679 I mean, Dad is running around 66 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,549 in a hat he made from Steve's Rocket Raccoon toy. 67 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,884 STEVE: He did what?! 68 00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:34,553 You're right, Hayley. I don't let it get to me. 69 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,621 And if you want, I can let you in 70 00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:38,623 on a little secret that's helped me. 71 00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,092 Please do. 72 00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,761 I'm better at being married than you are. 73 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,497 - What?! - I have lots of little secrets. 74 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,966 Like this bullfrog I keep in my hair. 75 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,636 His name is Clarke Michael Duncan. 76 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,373 Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold! 77 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,775 - [CLICK, WHIRRING] - Ooh, is someone bathing... 78 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,843 Oh, it's Jeff. Gross. 79 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,246 [SIGHS] Welp, back to standing silently 80 00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:02,714 in the dark garage. 81 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,784 [CLICK, WHIRRING] 82 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,452 [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] 83 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,322 [SIGHS] Mom, can you help me wash the skunk off Jeff? 84 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,523 He's being really squirmy. 85 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,458 Sorry, Hayley. I'm headed to Costco. 86 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:14,727 Oh, great. 87 00:03:14,729 --> 00:03:16,661 Can you pick up those big cans of tomato juice 88 00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:17,662 to get the skunk out? 89 00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:18,863 Ooh, sorry. 90 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,399 This trip is just to pick up 91 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,867 two flats of Dan Brown hardbacks. 92 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,248 They burn so much cleaner than firewood. 93 00:03:25,283 --> 00:03:28,107 - But could you still... - Uh... Eep, eep, eep! 94 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,143 [VEHICLE APPROACHES, HORN HONKS] 95 00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,278 [VEHICLE DOOR OPENS] 96 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,014 - Another clean getaway! - [VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES] 97 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:39,351 [SIGHS] What would I do without my eeps? 98 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:41,219 [ENGINE REVS] 99 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,722 Why did she get on an airport shuttle? 100 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,559 Jeff, you're in charge of cleaning your own privates. 101 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,562 - [ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SQUEAL] - That's too much responsibility! 102 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,131 [CLICK, WHIRRING] 103 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,001 I'm a responsible guy. 104 00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,005 - ♪♪ - _ 105 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,073 [TIRES SCREECH] 106 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:08,880 ♪♪ 107 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,015 [KEYS JANGLING] 108 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,149 Park it! 109 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:14,153 You got it! That's how airports work! 110 00:04:17,663 --> 00:04:19,291 How did that woman go through without a ticket? 111 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,159 She's part of our Airport Angels program. 112 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,161 They assist people to their gate who want help. 113 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,963 And they do it all for nothing, 114 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,299 except for the complimentary Toblerone from Duty Free. 115 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,834 They say shape doesn't make a difference, 116 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,502 but I think triangles taste better. 117 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,672 Great, great. Where do I sign up for this Airport Angel B.S.? 118 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,977 Where did Mom go? 119 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,778 How the [BLEEP] would I know? 120 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,915 I'm just a sweet old lady. 121 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,852 Ooh, there she is! 122 00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,320 Hey, you idiot! 123 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,790 I'm supposed to be going to China, not Albuquerque! 124 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:53,826 Oh! 125 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,663 Oh, it all worked out! 126 00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,397 I get to ride with my bags 127 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:03,001 and have access to all my hair gels and salsas! 128 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,270 Thank you, Airport Angel! 129 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,072 [GULPING] 130 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,874 - Mom? - Eep, eep, eep... 131 00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,408 [MUFFLED] Eep, eep, eep! 132 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,610 You're not gonna eep your way out of this one. 133 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,146 What the hell is going on? 134 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,348 Look, I never thought I'd be caught here, 135 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,485 but in case I was, I worked up a little song. 136 00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,618 Hit it, Larry. 137 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,221 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS] 138 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,691 ♪ Being a wife in the world today ♪ 139 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,026 ♪ Sure can drain your soul ♪ 140 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,696 ♪ Your husband and your children suck ♪ 141 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:33,765 ♪ And your alien's an asshole ♪ 142 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,834 Alien? You have an alien? 143 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,903 ♪ Sometimes you should escape ♪ 144 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:42,040 ♪ To a crappy airport bar ♪ 145 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:47,779 ♪ Where husbands don't know where you are ♪ 146 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:52,184 ♪ Eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep ♪ 147 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,721 Did you know these napkins are exact replicas of the ones 148 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,323 they use in the original O'rrivals in Ireland? 149 00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,591 Why would I know that? 150 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,992 Wait. O'rrivals is a chain? 151 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,728 I thought it was just a bad pun. 152 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:03,795 Oh, no. 153 00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,797 The flagship is in Dublin. 154 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,132 And it's a good pun. 155 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,267 Look, my photo's on the wall. 156 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:14,005 I got it from completing the "Drinks of Dublin Tour." 157 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,941 ♪ Sometimes you should escape ♪ 158 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:20,946 ♪ Where all the taps lead to Bud Lite ♪ 159 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:26,017 ♪ And the pilots get drunk pre-flight ♪ 160 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,554 ♪ Plastic forks and metal spoons ♪ 161 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,889 ♪ No one's quite sure why ♪ 162 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,491 ♪ But things are so much simpler here ♪ 163 00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,894 ♪ in Terminal Five ♪ 164 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,897 - [SONG ENDS] - This is your secret to being a patient wife? 165 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,365 Yes! It's so easy! 166 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,234 [SCOFFS] I can't believe you said 167 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,302 you were better at being married than me. 168 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,838 Come on, Hayley. Give me this one thing. 169 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,241 You're so much better at everything else. 170 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:52,044 - Like what?! - Like the stuff that matters. 171 00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:54,980 You have the Galaga high score at the deli. 172 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,649 Don't you think that burns me up at night?! 173 00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,251 That's Hayley Schmitterhaus! 174 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,987 She was abducted eight years ago selling Girl Scout cookies. 175 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:05,190 Oh. Well, that makes me feel a little better. 176 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,324 Wait. 177 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:07,392 Are you the Hayley 178 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,261 on the "Frogger" at the laundromat? 179 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,328 Yeah, that one's me. 180 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,598 10th place. Terrible score! 181 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,199 Let me give you some advice. 182 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:17,869 In "Frogger," some of those logs are alligators. 183 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,870 Chomp, chomp. 184 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:19,938 [CELLPHONE CHIMES] 185 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,741 Oh. Jeff sat on his balls. 186 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,943 And he doesn't know what to do. 187 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,613 - "Stand... up." - [CELLPHONE BLOOPS] 188 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,414 Pull up a stool, girl. 189 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,950 Jeff's floppy balls will be there when you get home. 190 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,952 How do you know Jeff's balls are floppy? 191 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,254 I can hear 'em. 192 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,524 ♪♪ 193 00:07:40,082 --> 00:07:41,126 We probably don't need to bring 194 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,462 three different flavors of Triscuits, do we? 195 00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,997 You never know which flavor's gonna give you the edge 196 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:49,000 when you tango with the big brown man. 197 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,270 - Is that what you call bears? - Correct. 198 00:07:51,272 --> 00:07:53,272 Jeff, where did all my underwear go? 199 00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,606 Jeff, I'll get more supplies 200 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,675 while you negotiate with this fur trapper. 201 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,945 [WHISPERING] I'm pretending Hayley's a French-Canadian fur trapper. 202 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,880 Time to negotiate. 203 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:05,083 I'll give you $50. 204 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,752 God, I hate this. 205 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:07,886 Come on! 206 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,088 I dressed Steve up as a bear 207 00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:11,957 and told him we were playing hide-and-seek. 208 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,625 That looked like a real arrow. 209 00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,160 A-Are they gonna hunt Steve? 210 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,897 Yes. And you know Steve's just loving all the attention. 211 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,000 Shuttle's here! 212 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:23,902 [SIGHS] 213 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,236 What is it, hon? 214 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,706 Don't get me wrong. I-I love booze. 215 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,108 But all I can think about 216 00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,176 is how Jeff stretched out all my underwear, 217 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,911 making them into slingshots. 218 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,713 I think it was your ass that did that. 219 00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,915 - Mom! - Lighten up, fat-ass! 220 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,984 That's how we razz at O'rrivals! 221 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,186 Is there a place I can plug in my laptop? 222 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,455 See? He gets it. 223 00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:45,524 Hayley, this is our escape. 224 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:46,925 You need to unwind! 225 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,393 That's what I'm trying to do! 226 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:51,262 Well, I guess we need to step it up. 227 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,464 Ow! Why would you do that?! 228 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,266 Because when drinking doesn't work, 229 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:56,668 there's nothing like a bar fight 230 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,138 to make the rest of the world fade away. 231 00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:00,539 Oh, okay. Let's rumble. 232 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,341 [GRUNTS] 233 00:09:02,343 --> 00:09:04,143 Let the bitch out of the box, Hayles! 234 00:09:04,145 --> 00:09:06,211 I don't see how this is gonna help. 235 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,079 Do it. You'll feel better. 236 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,681 - [GRUNTS] - Nice one! 237 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:10,415 [THUD] 238 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,551 That feels amazing! Who's next? 239 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,020 I-I'm just trying to get to Wisconsin 240 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,155 to bury my mother! 241 00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:18,023 Not on my watch. 242 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,091 [IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS] 243 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,027 This is great, Mom! 244 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,829 Hey, we're gonna need two more beers. 245 00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,031 You got it, but happy hour's over. 246 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,699 - [MUSIC STOPS] - Happy hour's over. 247 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:28,834 That's our cue to go. 248 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,901 What? Why? 249 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,903 I-I was just starting to unwind. 250 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,438 Yeah, and that's all you need. 251 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,907 I mean, don't you feel you could go home 252 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,509 and deal with Jeff now? 253 00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,310 You know what? I do. 254 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,994 He accidentally saw Tuttle's penis the other day, 255 00:09:42,029 --> 00:09:43,182 and I feel like I'm finally ready 256 00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:45,116 to have a frank talk with him about it. 257 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,451 It's really... 258 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:49,054 I-I can see he's thinking about it a lot. 259 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,522 Attagirl! 260 00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,991 And don't worry. We'll be back here tomorrow. 261 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,926 Okay. 262 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,928 What airline you flying, chump? 263 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,329 [GROANING] Frontier. 264 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,899 Good. They'll finish the job. 265 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:09,474 ♪♪ 266 00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:13,278 JEFF: Hey, babe, I owe you one tube of toothpaste. 267 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,480 Needed it to seal our canoe. 268 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,948 Damn it, Jeff. 269 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,083 Well, joke's on him. 270 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,219 I don't use toothpaste. 271 00:10:22,223 --> 00:10:24,756 Oh, hey, babe. I owe you one toothbrush. 272 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,358 Needed it for brushing my teeth in the canoe. 273 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,295 Ugh! This canoe is hounding me! 274 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,497 But at least I still have my trusty tampons. 275 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,499 I'll just brush my teeth with one of those. 276 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,768 Little trick I read in Vogue. 277 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:37,836 Right, ladies? 278 00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,438 [DING!] 279 00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:41,573 Me again, babe. 280 00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:43,775 I owe you a hundred tampoons. 281 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,045 I used a bottle of nail polish to paint them red 282 00:10:46,047 --> 00:10:47,579 'cause I needed dynamite. 283 00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:50,315 ...to blow up my canoe. 284 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,716 - Daaahh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 285 00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,985 You're not gonna destroy that box, are you? 286 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,386 Relax. I could sit on that 287 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,188 while I'm waiting for something to happen. 288 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,323 [SNIFFING] 289 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,525 Damn! Your breath is kickin', girl. 290 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,227 Ever heard of tampons? 291 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,530 [INSECTS CHIRPING] 292 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,466 Water. 293 00:11:07,468 --> 00:11:08,400 [GULPING] 294 00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,969 Look! Rogu found water! 295 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,204 [RUSTLING] 296 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,205 On your toes, men. 297 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,941 We're deep in bear country. 298 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,342 [GROWLING] 299 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,010 - That sounds like a real bear! - Run! 300 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,947 [RUSTLING, GROWLING CONTINUE] 301 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:22,948 [BELCHES] 302 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,950 Just crushed 38 O'Doul's. 303 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,018 That's equal to two Coors Lights. 304 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,620 That's like one Corona. 305 00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,089 I'm feelin' it! 306 00:11:30,091 --> 00:11:32,824 Aww. Is that a little coonskin cap? 307 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,559 Rat skin. 308 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,228 You're sending my ovaries into hyperdrive. 309 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,697 How'd you like a little sister? 310 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,366 Rogu eat sister. 311 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,203 [LAUGHING] O-Only you, Rogu. 312 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,771 Francine! There's a bear outside! 313 00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:49,174 It sounded big and mean and wanted to eat us! 314 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,189 Ooh, sounds scary! 315 00:11:51,224 --> 00:11:52,688 Wanna hide under the covers? 316 00:11:52,723 --> 00:11:54,245 Uh-huh. 317 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,781 Can you put up the force field? 318 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,316 Force field up. 319 00:11:57,318 --> 00:11:58,517 Make the sound. 320 00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:00,986 Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh- Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh. 321 00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,253 [SIGHS] 322 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,388 [SNORING] 323 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,256 What about me, Mrs. S? 324 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,858 Go to your room and have Hayley 325 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,459 put up a force field for you. 326 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,796 She's not here. She went to Costco. 327 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,263 Eep. 328 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,466 Now, open up that force field, 329 00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,868 or we're all gonna get blown to bits! 330 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,604 [GROANS] 331 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:25,144 Guys! I made a big dent in my paperwork and earned a break! 332 00:12:25,146 --> 00:12:26,812 Can I play Davy Crockett with you? 333 00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,148 Klaus loser. 334 00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:30,482 [LAUGHS] 335 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:32,551 Rogu's in there with you guys?! 336 00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:34,686 Everything sucks since he got here! 337 00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:37,622 He's supposed to be helping with Roger's personas! 338 00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,024 Roger! 339 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,827 Rogu isn't doing his job! 340 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,096 [GULPING] 341 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,632 [SLURRING] I did it. 342 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,569 I finished the "Drinks of Dublin Tour." 343 00:12:50,571 --> 00:12:53,305 Now take my picture and put it on the wall! 344 00:12:55,376 --> 00:12:57,509 Wait, wait, wait. Which is better? 345 00:12:57,511 --> 00:12:58,910 Like this... 346 00:12:58,912 --> 00:12:59,978 or like this? 347 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,312 [BELCHES] 348 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,515 - [VOMITS] - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 349 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,386 Just lovely. 350 00:13:07,388 --> 00:13:08,387 Hayley. 351 00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:10,189 I know this is a nice escape, 352 00:13:10,191 --> 00:13:12,257 but you can't spend all your time 353 00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,194 with a bunch of losers at a fake Irish bar. 354 00:13:15,196 --> 00:13:16,395 No offense, Jason. 355 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:17,396 None taken. 356 00:13:17,398 --> 00:13:18,663 This is just part-time 357 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,599 while I plan my terrorist stuff. 358 00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:23,334 I told you, being here for happy hour 359 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,470 is all the escape a wife should need. 360 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,473 I get it, Mom! You're the perfect wife! 361 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,876 You know exactly how many hours a day 362 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,478 to avoid your husband at the airport bar. 363 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,280 You're June [BLEEP] Cleaver! 364 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,549 Oh! References, huh? 365 00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:39,551 All right, Pauly Shore, 366 00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:42,888 let's get you back to "Shutter Island." 367 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:43,889 Boo! 368 00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,490 Pbbbbbbht! 369 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,559 That's your best comeback? 370 00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:48,627 Millennials! 371 00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:49,628 Right, Jason? 372 00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:52,631 Right! Blow 'em sky high, I say! 373 00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,600 - What? - Good night! 374 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,103 ♪♪ 375 00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,370 [PILLS RATTLE] 376 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,706 Wake up, sleepyhead. 377 00:14:00,708 --> 00:14:02,974 I'm sure you're feeling a little ragged, 378 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,976 but it's almost noon. 379 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:05,977 [GASPS] 380 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,113 You got Rogu'd. 381 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,481 Every damn time! 382 00:14:10,251 --> 00:14:11,250 What is this? 383 00:14:11,252 --> 00:14:13,704 Real life. 384 00:14:13,739 --> 00:14:16,255 HAYLEY: Dear Mom, I thought about what you said. 385 00:14:16,257 --> 00:14:19,591 You're right. Happy hour should be enough for a wife. 386 00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:21,860 Oh, wow. I got through to her. 387 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,545 Keep reading. 388 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,397 But it's not enough for me. 389 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,800 You are better at being married than I am. 390 00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,802 I shouldn't even be married. 391 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,509 So, I'm escaping to where no one can find me. 392 00:14:33,544 --> 00:14:36,541 The original O'rrivals in Ireland, Europe. 393 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,277 - Ohh! - P.S. 394 00:14:38,279 --> 00:14:41,546 Rogu is allowed to eat as much raw pasta as he wants. 395 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,283 Rogu, I know you wrote that last part. 396 00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:46,084 Bwaaah-ha! 397 00:14:47,006 --> 00:14:48,887 HAYLEY: Flying to Ireland. 398 00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,089 That's what I should've done! 399 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,292 I was in an airport all week. 400 00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:55,694 I, too, should be flying to Ireland. 401 00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:58,563 I'm a pilot. I like handles, not wheels. 402 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,565 I like radar, not sonar. 403 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,169 I wanna be up with the stars, not down with the starfish! 404 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,504 I should be sailing! 405 00:15:05,506 --> 00:15:09,440 I like fishing nets, not Gogo Inflight Internet! 406 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,577 BOTH: But we both like galleys. 407 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,381 [SHIP HORN BLOWS] 408 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,251 Wow. My adventure begins. 409 00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:20,919 None of my troubles can find me here. 410 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,521 Not Jeff, not Mom, 411 00:15:22,523 --> 00:15:25,990 not even that infernal Rogu, the King of Pranks. 412 00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:28,460 Oh, I can't wait to get to the original O'rrivals 413 00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:30,696 and party my tits off! 414 00:15:31,532 --> 00:15:33,465 - [COUGHING] - 'Sup, party people?! 415 00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,267 My lucky charms! 416 00:15:35,269 --> 00:15:37,001 Freckle freaks! 417 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,737 My Irish ragers! 418 00:15:38,739 --> 00:15:41,139 - [SAD MUSIC PLAYS] - I hope it's happy hour! 419 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,474 What? 420 00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:44,295 You know... happy hour. 421 00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:46,211 Where the drinks are cheap and the apps are half off. 422 00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,279 Ah. 423 00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,882 Around here, we call it "sad hour." 424 00:15:49,884 --> 00:15:52,817 'Cause that's when we take a two-hour break to be sad 425 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,487 instead of bone-crushingly depressed. 426 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:56,689 Kewl-kewl! 427 00:15:56,691 --> 00:15:58,623 Beer and a slippery nip, please. 428 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,425 I'm gonna get the lay of the land 429 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,594 from the local folks. 430 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,497 Why the frown, James Brown? 431 00:16:05,499 --> 00:16:08,032 The bank took my family farm. 432 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,236 I hear ya. My husband's been wearing a stupid hat. 433 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,571 - [GLASSES CLINK] - To us! 434 00:16:12,573 --> 00:16:14,306 Why so sad, Sinbad? 435 00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:15,507 Me wife left me. 436 00:16:15,509 --> 00:16:16,909 That's nothing. 437 00:16:16,911 --> 00:16:19,444 My husband's obsessed with his canoe. 438 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:20,779 [GLASSES CLINK] 439 00:16:20,781 --> 00:16:23,315 Why the sorrow, Benicio del Toro? 440 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,117 Cat got your tongue, Connie Chung? 441 00:16:25,119 --> 00:16:26,651 Cancer took her tongue. 442 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,120 I wanted a slippery nipple. 443 00:16:28,122 --> 00:16:31,656 And I wanted a face shape that's good for sunglasses, 444 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,792 but life is cruel. 445 00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:34,793 Jukebox! 446 00:16:34,795 --> 00:16:36,394 Let's kick this up a notch. 447 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:37,996 It only plays this song. 448 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,065 That and Ireland's national anthem... 449 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,400 "Steal My Sunshine." 450 00:16:41,402 --> 00:16:42,801 O... kay. 451 00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,336 You guys are bummers! 452 00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:46,540 [GASPS] I know what you need. 453 00:16:46,575 --> 00:16:48,607 A little secret my mom taught me. 454 00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:49,608 Lady shove! 455 00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:51,209 ♪ I was lying on the grass ♪ 456 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,679 ♪ Of Sunday morning of last week ♪ 457 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,680 We're doing it! 458 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,850 ♪ ...in my self-defeat ♪ 459 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,887 Hey, Mrs. S, 460 00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,490 I know you said Hayley went out to get me a toy, 461 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,891 but I'm getting worried. 462 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,427 It's been seven mailmans. 463 00:17:08,429 --> 00:17:11,397 Jeff, have a snack and stop worrying. 464 00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,032 Mmm. 465 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,300 Thanks, Mrs. S. 466 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,302 This is way better than worrying. 467 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,436 Wait a second. 468 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,639 Did you... actually stop worrying? 469 00:17:20,641 --> 00:17:22,174 Yeah. You told me to. 470 00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:23,241 Huh. 471 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,310 Jeff, sit down. 472 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,911 Stand up. 473 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,447 - Be happy. - [CHUCKLES] 474 00:17:28,449 --> 00:17:29,982 - Be sad. - [WHIMPERS] 475 00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:31,249 Be Larry King. 476 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,717 [DEEP VOICE] Boston, you're on the air. 477 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,052 Stan! Come here! 478 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,454 STAN: You can't tell me what to do! 479 00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:38,523 Exactly. He never does what I say. 480 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:40,058 But you do! 481 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,460 Pack your bags. We're going to get Hayley. 482 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,662 [NORMAL VOICE] Gotcha, Mrs. S! 483 00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,730 Wait. Pack my bags, too. 484 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,540 Will do. How many staplers do you want to bring? 485 00:17:48,575 --> 00:17:50,869 Never mind. I'll pack for both of us. 486 00:17:50,871 --> 00:17:52,871 Like with all my Barry Manilow albums, 487 00:17:52,873 --> 00:17:55,441 there's really gonna be room for staplers. 488 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,077 More deserters. 489 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,079 We're the last two men at the Alamo. 490 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,682 Rogu love dessert. 491 00:18:03,684 --> 00:18:06,618 Remember the a la mode. [ALAMO] 492 00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:08,620 Rogu, everything's a joke to you, 493 00:18:08,622 --> 00:18:10,288 and I don't mind that. 494 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,691 ♪♪ 495 00:18:12,693 --> 00:18:16,161 Why so weepy, Meryl Streepy? 496 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,163 Well, the fight was fun, and it was cool 497 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,432 when that nun started swinging that chain around, 498 00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,167 but now I just feel empty. 499 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,704 I miss Jeff, even if he can be a pain in the ass. 500 00:18:25,706 --> 00:18:26,971 I'm going home. 501 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,841 You're not going anywhere. 502 00:18:28,843 --> 00:18:30,509 You broke my jukebox. 503 00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:32,377 You have to work off what you owe me... 504 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,380 4,500 Irish Money Units. 505 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,249 Well, that's a bummer. 506 00:18:37,251 --> 00:18:38,517 ...Christopher Plummer. 507 00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:39,984 JEFF: Babe! 508 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:40,985 Jeff! 509 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,587 What are you guys doing here? 510 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,389 I came to say I'm sorry. 511 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,590 For what? 512 00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,192 For giving you bad advice. 513 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,529 I told you the only way to be happy in your marriage 514 00:18:50,531 --> 00:18:51,930 was to have an escape. 515 00:18:51,932 --> 00:18:53,665 But that's my marriage. 516 00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:56,935 When your dad annoys me, I can't stop him. 517 00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,670 That's why I have to get away. 518 00:18:58,672 --> 00:19:01,406 But Jeff... if he starts to annoy you, 519 00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,741 just tell him what you want. 520 00:19:02,743 --> 00:19:04,209 It's not that simple, Mrs. S. 521 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,879 - Corner. - Love to be where those two walls meet! 522 00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,548 See? You're gonna be happy when you come home 523 00:19:09,550 --> 00:19:11,750 if you just tell Jeff what to do. 524 00:19:11,752 --> 00:19:12,951 Now let's go. 525 00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:14,152 BARTENDER: She can't go anywhere. 526 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,622 Not until I get my 4,500 McBucks. 527 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,624 This dude's hella dead. 528 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:20,959 Hold my Fitbit. 529 00:19:20,961 --> 00:19:23,896 Actually, no. I want credit for this ass-kicking. 530 00:19:23,898 --> 00:19:26,231 JEFF: [CHUCKLING] Are you guys seeing this corner? 531 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,432 Wait a second, Mom. 532 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,967 Maybe there's another way. 533 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,326 Hi. I'm Jeff. I work here because my wife asked me to. 534 00:19:32,361 --> 00:19:33,572 I'm not allowed to bring up leprechauns. 535 00:19:33,574 --> 00:19:35,107 Can I take your order? 536 00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:37,242 That was good, but you still mentioned the leprechauns. 537 00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,844 I saw one in the urinal! It bit me! 538 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:40,979 I think you're right. 539 00:19:40,981 --> 00:19:43,115 Jeff will do fine working off your debt. 540 00:19:43,117 --> 00:19:45,384 And all you had to do was tell him to. 541 00:19:45,386 --> 00:19:47,319 Thanks for taking my place. 542 00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:49,521 I love you. Remember that. 543 00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,456 And that's a Goddamn order. 544 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:52,857 I love you, too. 545 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,627 Because I may be a moron... 546 00:19:58,198 --> 00:19:59,531 Yes? 547 00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:00,733 Yes. 548 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,540 Mom, you're back! 549 00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:10,342 Enemy reinforcements, Rogu. 550 00:20:10,344 --> 00:20:12,210 The Alamo must not fall! 551 00:20:12,947 --> 00:20:17,750 Rogu going to Hell, but he not going alone. 552 00:20:17,752 --> 00:20:19,551 [SCREAMING MANICALLY] 553 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,486 One more drink at O'rrivals? 554 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,687 Why stop at one? 555 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,623 [SCREAMING CONTINUES] 556 00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:28,360 STEVE: Why do you keep leaving?! 557 00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:30,229 Have a great night. 558 00:20:32,182 --> 00:20:34,248 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com